Here’s Pocast No.10, or, if you prefer, Podcast No.9 part two. We recorded Podcast No.9 a few weeks back sitting on a balcony at the Royal Festival Hall. When we’d done, we moved inside, had a sandwich, and then did another. We don’t get to meet up too much so’s we thought it a good idea (that’s one of the best sentences I’ve ever written).

You can listen to/download it here- Trev and Simon Podcast No.10

Just click on the link above to listen to it. Or to download the podcast: On a PC, right-click on the link, then select ‘Save Link As’ and download it to the selected location on your computer. On a Mac, hold down Ctrl and click the link, then select ‘Save Link As’ and download it to the selected location

And here’s what’s on it:

1. Dance hall toasters.
2. Duralit V Duraglit.
3. Trev gets saucy.
4. Simon gets married.
5. Sexy rabbits.
6. Squirrels (maybe sexy).
7. Elevator Gods.
8. Filming.
9. Tears of a clown.
10. Yorkshire accents.
11. Trev loves beacons.
12. Trev and Simon sing.
13. Carry your Little Belisha Beacon/*****.
14. Grandad pierrots.
15. The Eggrobats.
16. Dan and the Doves.
17. The Rogers Brothers.
18. The Cox Twins.
19. Hair up/Hair down.
20. trev and DIY.
21. James Ward and Blu-Tack.
22. the “Carrot” Farm.
23. Trev meets a tricologist.
24. Dead Man’s Shoes.
25. York.
26. Tadcaster.
27. Looking for an ending.

We hope you enjoy it. And we hope to do another next Wednesday, most likely our last before Christmas. If you need any festive questions answering, you know you can rely on us.

Quite why this was allowed to be on a Saturday morning childrens show is bewildering to me. Obviously we must have sat around and thought, what are the kids into these days? And the answers that came back were hippies, barbers and old-time music hall acts singing vaguely rude songs and weeping openly over the death of their parents. Hey ho! Pop pop!

One of our songs was an old music hall ditty called Carry Your Little Belisha Beacon Everywhere You Go. We’ve sung ths song throughout our career in a variety of guises; the Eggrobats- bald men in nappies, The Rogers Brothers, and a scout leader and his boyscout friend.

The Eggrobats- Simon Hickson, Phil Dennison and Trev Neal. Accompanied by Sophie Aldred, Kath Jones and Doon Mackichan.

Here we are accompanied by The Doves from Dan and the Doves. The Doves being Sophie (later to be Ace in Dr. Who), kath, and Doon, (later to be big comedy cheese in The Day Today, Smack the Pony and the recent Taking the Flak). Poor Doon is obscured by the big glowing end of Trev’s beacon.

If you’d like to know the lyrics to this rude song you can find them here. I’ve tried to find out who it’s by but everytime I do a search I come back to me. I promise you, we did pinch it.

Nothing’s new and nothing’s original. We based the Rogers Brothers on The Cox Twins. However weird our creations were, the real deal were even weirder.

The Cox Twins

You can find out more about Frank and Fred here. But sadly not much. They married twins, Estelle and Pauline Miles, and then they all lived together in one house. The first time I saw them I was astonished. I can’t remember what they did, I just remember thinking they were nuts. In the nicest possible sense. They were funny and weird, but what did they do? They appear briefly in Funny Bones, Peter Chelsom’s film starring Lee Evans and Jerry Lewis and set in Blackpool. Truly, what more could you want from a film. The only clip I could find isn’t a performance, but you might like it anyway. Here they are being interviewed on TVam. With their twin wives.

Even less survives of the Rogers Brothers. They’re on our live video, the Blimey That’s Good Tour, but who has videos? Even I don’t have it. I used to hate watching it. The day before the show was recorded I had some jabs for a forthcoming holiday in The Gambia. I was given the wrong dose for, I think, Typhoid. Five times too much! Throughout the show I look like I am about to die. Hey ho! Pop pop!

But I did find something. One of the most bizarre clips I’ve seen. It’s us as the Rogers Brothers taking part in a Comic Relief special; singing along with a host of celebrities to Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody. Everything’s here. It ranges from the apalling, Nicholas Witchell miming keyboards; to the moving, Caron Keating gooning around with her mum. You’ll see other faces that might lead to Mr Gloom coming into the room. And I don’t mean Noel Edmonds. And there’s a few degenerates in there too. I’ll let you figure out who they are.

And remember, nothing really matters. Hey ho! Pop pop!

Here’s Podcast No. 7.  Andrea, our producer, says it’s “very funny and has a lovely vibe”. And she knows. And sorry once more but there has to be a warning! This Podcast contains bad language. Actually really quite bad bad language! Sorry. You have been warned. I blame David Cameron.

You can listen to/download it, here- Trev And Simon Podcast No. 7

Just click on the link above to listen to it. Or to download the podcast: On a PC, right-click on the link, then select ‘Save Link As’ and download it to the selected location on your computer. On a Mac, hold down Ctrl and click the link, then select ‘Save Link As’ and download it to the selected location.

And what’s in it? Here’s the list-

1. 60s pop star Joe Brown
2. Twitter
3. Swearing!
4. Simon’s special diet
5. Trev’s holiday
6. Hats and swimming pants
7. Star-spotting on Trev’s holiday
8. Silverfish
9. (Queuing for) mints
10. Being poisoned
11. Would Trev or Simon pee on the other? Find out!
12. Simon’s film review: The Taking Of Pelham 123
13. Introducing Pickles the cat
14. Simon’s second film review: Antichrist
15. Unpleasant songs
16. Sam Brown
17. Meeting Syd Little
18. David Cameron
19. Questions from listeners
20. Andrea fumigates Simon
21. The Trev And Simon Festival
22. Jokes from Trev And Simon’s Stupid Book
23. How to play Wilderness
24. More questions from listeners
25. Fights
26. Andrea chokes
27. A game of Wilderness
28. More jokes

There you go. And look! Here’s our book:

And guess what? It is available! On Amazon. And for only 1p! That’s a bargain. Only 4 left. Get it now for one penny, here.

Oh, and I apologise to all those listeners who are traumatised by Trev and Andrea’s singing of the 23rd best selling single of 1982.

Oh, and one more thing. Here’s what Trev drew during the podcast.

Pot Fish by Sophy, aged 11

Here’s some art by Sophy, aged 11, now, one would hope, in her mid twenties. Well done Sophy. Your art survives.

We’re doing a podcats tonight and we have loads of questions from you all. Thank you. We’ll get through as many as we can, and I will be rude to you all. Maybe. That’s me, Simon. Not Trev. He’s nice. But he could turn. he’s just back from holiday- two weeks in the sun- and now it’s just rain rain rain. Who knows what that will do to him.

Please keep on leaving comments, questions, and if we don’t get round to them this time, maybe next time.

In the meantime here’s an old prop for our Live and Kicking days that I would like to leave up here as our official Michael Jackson tribute.

how we'd look if we had proper jobs

Hello folks. We haven’t forgotten you and we hope you haven’t forgotten us. Yes, it’s been just over a month since our last podcast and we’re well aware we are due another one. We’re getting podcast withdrawal symptoms. I was found wandering the streets the other day, muttering to myself about monkey coconut abuse. Trev’s suffering from tweed withdrawal so badly he’s taken to wearing tweed pyjamas.

We will do another. Honest. Promise. It’s just that Andrea, our lovely producer and instigator and mentor blah blah blah has only gone and got herself a proper job, and launched an album called Photograph, and just in general got on with her life rather than wasting it with a couple of daft-talking chancers.

We plan to kidnap her. We will kidnap her, keep her locked up for months on end until she develops Stockholm Syndrome. The we will all move to Stockholm and do a podcast from there. At least that’s the plan (that I’ve just made up in the last few seconds of typing).

Failing that we’ll wait until we’ve all got a free evening.

You can listen to/ download it here

download notes: For PC users, right-click the link above, then select ‘Save Link As’ and download to the selected location on your computer. For Mac users, hold down Ctrl and click the link, then select ‘Save Link As’ and download to the selected location on your computer.

So here’s No.4, recorded last Wednesday on Trev’s Birthday. April Fools’ Day. Andrea, our producer (up in Sheffield at the moment for tonight’s launch of her new album, Photograph), has compiled the list for No.4 and I’m excited by it. See, I’ve been away in Great Yarmouth playing pool at the EPA Interleague Finals- full details available soon on my blog- so I’m putting up the pod without having listened to it. And neither of us, at our age, can be expected to remember what we talked about, so for both me and Trev we are now like you- just a person listening to two old blokes talk a load of old rubbish.

Here’s the list. I hope you enjoy the listening part.

1. April Fool’s jokes
2. The Gregorian Calendar
3. Andrea takes an important phone call
4. An appearance by Simon’s cat Tess
5. It’s Trevor’s birthday! But who does he share it with?
6. Trev and Simon get proper work
7. Sushi
8. Dry Life and Blimey That’s Good!
9. Other Trev and Simon characters
10. Cobblers To The Stars
11. You say chiropodist, I say chiropodist
12. Shampoo and hairdryers
13. Hairy Simon, beard glue and pubic wigs
14. The Two Chemists sketch
15. Andrea fails to return
16. Anita Harris
17. Trevor’s birthday card from Simon
18. Andrea returns
19. The Bloody Benders and other absurd old books
20. Birthday cake!
21. Manatees, walruses and Lord Horny Man
22. The Quex Museum
23. Andrea is banished
24. The Manchester Museum/Museum of Manchester
25. Trev And Simon on Twitter
26. Andrea’s CD goes on sale in Japan
27. Trevor’s birthday present from Simon
28. Nazis in space! Again!
29. Gay mods and Paul Weller
30. Trevor’s birthday card and present from Andrea
31. Ant and Dec
32. Tiny pigs
33. Trevor’s rude awakening
34. Andrea does a Marilyn Monroe impression
35. Simon’s mouse problems
36. Listeners’ questions/feedback/insults
37. Simon is bullied by a podcast fan
38. Transmission Impossible and Trev And Simon’s ‘retirement’
39. Circus Of Evil
40. Cumbria/Cumberland
41. Spontaneous trips
42. Birthdays/birth dates
43. Maisie’s daft questions
44. Trev and Simon’s free rides
45. Trevor and Keren from Bananarama
46. Charlie Sheen
47. Free boots and Cher
48. How to end the podcast
49. Trevor’s birthday books
50. Could this be the last Trev And Simon podcast?
51. What does Simon’s middle initial stand for?

Jeepers! That’s 51 things. Sorry it’s so long. Over an hour this time. Andrea has told us off and said from now on it must be an hour maximum. But, as you will become aware, Andrea kept nipping out making phone calls, leaving us to our own devices. So, it’s her fault. She’s to blame. And since blame is only for God and small children, I’ll let you decide which one I am.

Oh, here’s my birthday card to Trev and Andrea’s cake for him.

suitable for framing

suitable for eating

You can listen to/ download it here… trev-and-simon-episode-3

Download notes: For PC users, right-click the link above, then select ‘Save Link As’ and download to the selected location on your computer. For Mac users, hold down Ctrl and click the link, then select ‘Save Link As’ and download to the selected location on your computer.

That’s the serious stuff out of the way. So, yes, here’s No.3, recorded (for all you time fans) between approximately 2.30pm and 3.30pm on the 19th March 2009. In Andrea’s flat. Which is in Peckham or Dulwich, depending on whether you want to be poncey or not. Peckwich.

Andrea sent it to me to post up here, but without her usual list. She did one but it got lost in cyberspace. And so she asked me to do it because… well, I guess she just can’t even begin to bear to listen to the whole thing again. Podcasts should be like Mission:Impossible missives. They should detonate five seconds after being heard. And that should be that. Until the next one. So, I’m in charge of the list, and it turns out to be a long one. Here’s what you can listen to in Podcast No.3:

1. Ideal Podcast length. 4 or 46 minutes.
2. Andrea calls us boys… as does Barrymore.
3. Geoff Boyes.
4. The Hampshire Hoffman.
5. Trev loves Mike and the Mechanics.
6. Andrea loves Paul Carrack.
7. Andrea is Nana in Nana Nia.
8. The French Green Green Grass of Home.
9. The Snake.
10. Trev sings The Snake.
11. The Snake deconstructed.
12. Caffeine.
13. Funny place names.
14. Andrea loves Phil Collins.
15. Whigfield- Pop Outsider.
16. Rasputin record pluggers.
17. Whigfield does duvets.
18. Don’t do… versus Do do.
19. Muck Off.
20. Phillip Schofield Radio 1 Roadshow.
21. Nicknames.
22. Who do we look like?
23. Looniversity Challenge- Good choice!
24. Nicknames explained.
25. Simon faces up to US military might in Area 51.
26. Simon attempts an American accent.
27. Arthur Clayton’s four piece cue.
28. Neil Morrisey and Sean Penn.
29. Who’s who and how double acts stand.
30. Andrea’s special friend.
31. Jimmy’s present.
32. Girl Scouts in the US.
33. Trev lists Celebrity meat products.
34. An offer Simon can refuse.
35. orgasmic births.
36. Coconut monkey cake revenge.
37. Monkey prison.
38. General animal revenge.
39. Demons of the Mind.
40. Robert Hardy’s toe.
41. Tweed update.
42. What the old wear.
43. What Sparks wear.
44. Brown Willy.
45. Snippet of The Snake.

Bet you wish Andrea had done the list now.